{Weird.}

It's been so long since I've actually had the desire to sit down and write my thoughts down. It seems that whenever I do sit down to organize my thoughts it's because I'm confused or anxious about what awaits me. 

If you must know, I recently started a new position with the same company. It's been a huge learning experience because even though it's a lot of the same stuff I did before, it also brings its set of challenges in terms of learning new information and - hopefully - retaining it!

Not only that but, the past three months have been quite interesting. I've done things that I never thought I'd do but I have enjoyed. It's been exciting to live life vicariously and just let things happen the way that they do. I'm a control freak. I always have been, and I'm pretty sure that I always will be. But I've let myself loose a bit and just done things for the hell of it.

I like it. Sometimes.

I think the one thing I'm learning about myself is that I'm not as paranoid and as much of a chicken as I thought I was. Even though I do get nervous and scared every now and then, I'm actually a pretty confident person. I'm glad I'm learning that because for the longest time I always said I was "paranoid" and even though there are still traces of this paranoia, I find that it's not as bad as it used to be.

Life is good. Love is good. and so is the "love".

-h.

{Changes}

To say that today has been a crazy day would be an understatement. I mean, in my world it hasn't been all that crazy...but the world around me has been crazy.

Life changes and the people in it change.

I'm starting to learn more and more who I can trust and who I can't trust. I'm actually really pissed as I write this as I think about one person in particular who I wish I could trust. This person is a HUGE big mouth. It's frustrating to watch to be honest because I've seen this person talk about other people like it's her right to let people know what's going on in others lives. Bitch. haha.

Anyway, I just needed to say that and get it out somewhere so I can go to bed happy.

Goodnight fellow bloggers!

-Hilda

{Patience}

Patience :: the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

{Self-Respect}

Apparently I have been lacking in this area of my life. It's true. I've completely let my self go and fall into the wrong arms, in all the wrong places, at all the wrong times.

No more. I'm putting an end to the misery and emptiness that I feel when I fall into those arms. I'm not going back.

Thanks to a good friend of mine who basically slapped me and woke me up from this "dream" I was living in, I've realized that no one should have my heart if they are just going to take a piece of it and use it for a short time only to throw it way when they're done with it.

I love my friends. I couldn't ask for better friends. Especially the ones who are not ashamed to say it how it is to me. Some might think that they should just let me live my life but the truth is, the reason why we have friends is so that they can guide us through life. We help each other whenever we need it the most. Tonight, I should've listened...but I didn't. I feel disgusted with myself and honestly, I wish I wasn't even in my own skin.

I realized tonight what it means to have friends that honestly care no matter how distant our relationships might actually be, or how "little" I might know the person. There are those people that are put in our lives to help us when we're stumbling and at the end of the day, those are the ones that matter the most. The ones who will only judge you to help you not to condemn you, and the ones who will tell you they love you and are perfect just the way you are.

I'm thankful for these friends because without them, I'd be dead.

To those friends, {you know who you are} I'm sorry. I've already said it to you but I feel like I couldn't say it enough times to erase the idiocy that has ensued. I love you guys for loving me for me, regardless of my faults. You are fucking awesome! <3

Hilda.

{School}

Last fall, when all of my friends were going back to school I found myself thinking "Why am I not going back to school?" I quickly kicked myself in the ass with the thought "Because I'm making money! duh!"

This year seems a little different. Last week, when my friends were going back to their second year of University or College I found myself thinking, "why the f$!@ am I not going back to school?!"

It was more so that I was disappointed in myself that I wouldn't take the initiative to go back to school and do something that I really love.

Last week, I decided that September 2011, I will go back to school. I will leave a job that gives me a steady paycheque and secure lifestyle to live a humble student life. I'm not even scared of saying that! Why? Well because I know I'll be doing something I love.

Social Work has always been something that has interested me. To be honest, the human condition is something that is always interesting for me! MacEwan University will give me the skills I need to work with people with developmental disabilities or hinderences, poor social and economic situations, and most importantly, PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE.

I truly believe that we are put on this earth to help each other. I can honestly say that in the almost three years that I have worked in a corporate environment, I have lost sight of that belief. The belief that no matter how low you may think you are in the world, there are people willing to help. I am one of those people. I love helping people! It's what I was called to do and if receiving an education on how to do that better is what I need, then so be it. I know that whatever I set my mind to, I can achieve.

Things are slowly turning around for me and I'm really excited to see where the road takes me.

As always, thanks for reading.

-h.

{House of Cards}

I've been obsessed with this song recently.

Forget about your house of cards...

Hope you like it!

-h.

Lyrics posted below:

"House Of Cards"

I don't wanna be your friend
I just wanna be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table,
And get swept under
Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse
From voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband 'good night'

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table,
And get swept under

Denial, denial
Denial, denial

Your ears are burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial

{Think.}

I've been doing a lot more writing and thinking lately. It's probably a good thing, seeing as how before I started putting my thoughts down I wasn't really thinking at all!

I felt brain dead for a bit there.

I love writing. I realize it everytime that I open up a new post and start writing. I don't do much writing by hand, although I do find that I think better on paper. Sometimes it's just nice to write on a screen with the ability to delete what I've just written. When I erase on paper, you can still see the remnants of what you wrote. What if I want to completely get rid of it? I mean, usually I'll write the first thing that comes to mind. It's almost never a good thing to put out there for the world to see. So let's say I wrote it on paper, erased it, and wrote over it? Well...it's still there. In cyberspace I can DELETE it and never see it again.

Sometimes I feel this way about the choices I make. I don't regret anything in my life, but often times I do wish I could just erase things that have happened. Mostly things that weren't up to me. I'm very responsible with the way I feel about things that I have done, but there are things that people have done to me that I wish I could delete.

Life is about living, right? Well, I'm trying to live it. I'm trying to live it to the fullest.

Right now, thinking back to Friday night when I was really upset that I had nothing to do and no one to hang out with I just can't help but chuckle to myself. I can't believe I was so worked up about it. I know what set me off though. While I was in Old Navy, I had a lady eye me down. I don't know what I did to deserve that treatment because I didn't even realize it until I had the feeling that someone was looking at me and I turned around to look. Seriously?! Why do some people have to be like that? It really did upset me. It also didn't help that I was in a depressed mood because I knew I didn't have any plans that night.

I've been really moody lately. I made the joke last night with a friend that maybe I am pregnant! haha. I mean, it could happen. But I don't think I am and I don't want to be. That would RUIN me. Especially because I know exactly who my baby daddy would be and I don't ever want that to happen. But I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I can't get pregnant; and I mean that quite literally. But enough of that. It's already too much information for people who do not know me. Or even for people who do know me.

I'm at work right now. Sitting here at my desk. Thinking...

Thinking about one person in particular and wishing that he was right here with me. Except not actually right here with me because why the heck would I want him here at work with me?! haha. I look around at the paperwork on my desk and want to shred it some days...

*sigh* 36 more days. 36 days until I can go for my driver's test. 36 more days until freedom. and 36 more days until the biggest responsibility of my life so far.

-h.