{Weird.}

It's been so long since I've actually had the desire to sit down and write my thoughts down. It seems that whenever I do sit down to organize my thoughts it's because I'm confused or anxious about what awaits me. 

If you must know, I recently started a new position with the same company. It's been a huge learning experience because even though it's a lot of the same stuff I did before, it also brings its set of challenges in terms of learning new information and - hopefully - retaining it!

Not only that but, the past three months have been quite interesting. I've done things that I never thought I'd do but I have enjoyed. It's been exciting to live life vicariously and just let things happen the way that they do. I'm a control freak. I always have been, and I'm pretty sure that I always will be. But I've let myself loose a bit and just done things for the hell of it.

I like it. Sometimes.

I think the one thing I'm learning about myself is that I'm not as paranoid and as much of a chicken as I thought I was. Even though I do get nervous and scared every now and then, I'm actually a pretty confident person. I'm glad I'm learning that because for the longest time I always said I was "paranoid" and even though there are still traces of this paranoia, I find that it's not as bad as it used to be.

Life is good. Love is good. and so is the "love".

-h.

{Changes}

To say that today has been a crazy day would be an understatement. I mean, in my world it hasn't been all that crazy...but the world around me has been crazy.

Life changes and the people in it change.

I'm starting to learn more and more who I can trust and who I can't trust. I'm actually really pissed as I write this as I think about one person in particular who I wish I could trust. This person is a HUGE big mouth. It's frustrating to watch to be honest because I've seen this person talk about other people like it's her right to let people know what's going on in others lives. Bitch. haha.

Anyway, I just needed to say that and get it out somewhere so I can go to bed happy.

Goodnight fellow bloggers!

-Hilda

{Patience}

Patience :: the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

{Self-Respect}

Apparently I have been lacking in this area of my life. It's true. I've completely let my self go and fall into the wrong arms, in all the wrong places, at all the wrong times.

No more. I'm putting an end to the misery and emptiness that I feel when I fall into those arms. I'm not going back.

Thanks to a good friend of mine who basically slapped me and woke me up from this "dream" I was living in, I've realized that no one should have my heart if they are just going to take a piece of it and use it for a short time only to throw it way when they're done with it.

I love my friends. I couldn't ask for better friends. Especially the ones who are not ashamed to say it how it is to me. Some might think that they should just let me live my life but the truth is, the reason why we have friends is so that they can guide us through life. We help each other whenever we need it the most. Tonight, I should've listened...but I didn't. I feel disgusted with myself and honestly, I wish I wasn't even in my own skin.

I realized tonight what it means to have friends that honestly care no matter how distant our relationships might actually be, or how "little" I might know the person. There are those people that are put in our lives to help us when we're stumbling and at the end of the day, those are the ones that matter the most. The ones who will only judge you to help you not to condemn you, and the ones who will tell you they love you and are perfect just the way you are.

I'm thankful for these friends because without them, I'd be dead.

To those friends, {you know who you are} I'm sorry. I've already said it to you but I feel like I couldn't say it enough times to erase the idiocy that has ensued. I love you guys for loving me for me, regardless of my faults. You are fucking awesome! <3

Hilda.

{School}

Last fall, when all of my friends were going back to school I found myself thinking "Why am I not going back to school?" I quickly kicked myself in the ass with the thought "Because I'm making money! duh!"

This year seems a little different. Last week, when my friends were going back to their second year of University or College I found myself thinking, "why the f$!@ am I not going back to school?!"

It was more so that I was disappointed in myself that I wouldn't take the initiative to go back to school and do something that I really love.

Last week, I decided that September 2011, I will go back to school. I will leave a job that gives me a steady paycheque and secure lifestyle to live a humble student life. I'm not even scared of saying that! Why? Well because I know I'll be doing something I love.

Social Work has always been something that has interested me. To be honest, the human condition is something that is always interesting for me! MacEwan University will give me the skills I need to work with people with developmental disabilities or hinderences, poor social and economic situations, and most importantly, PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE.

I truly believe that we are put on this earth to help each other. I can honestly say that in the almost three years that I have worked in a corporate environment, I have lost sight of that belief. The belief that no matter how low you may think you are in the world, there are people willing to help. I am one of those people. I love helping people! It's what I was called to do and if receiving an education on how to do that better is what I need, then so be it. I know that whatever I set my mind to, I can achieve.

Things are slowly turning around for me and I'm really excited to see where the road takes me.

As always, thanks for reading.

-h.

{House of Cards}

I've been obsessed with this song recently.

Forget about your house of cards...

Hope you like it!

-h.

Lyrics posted below:

"House Of Cards"

I don't wanna be your friend
I just wanna be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table,
And get swept under
Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse
From voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband 'good night'

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table,
And get swept under

Denial, denial
Denial, denial

Your ears are burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial

{Think.}

I've been doing a lot more writing and thinking lately. It's probably a good thing, seeing as how before I started putting my thoughts down I wasn't really thinking at all!

I felt brain dead for a bit there.

I love writing. I realize it everytime that I open up a new post and start writing. I don't do much writing by hand, although I do find that I think better on paper. Sometimes it's just nice to write on a screen with the ability to delete what I've just written. When I erase on paper, you can still see the remnants of what you wrote. What if I want to completely get rid of it? I mean, usually I'll write the first thing that comes to mind. It's almost never a good thing to put out there for the world to see. So let's say I wrote it on paper, erased it, and wrote over it? Well...it's still there. In cyberspace I can DELETE it and never see it again.

Sometimes I feel this way about the choices I make. I don't regret anything in my life, but often times I do wish I could just erase things that have happened. Mostly things that weren't up to me. I'm very responsible with the way I feel about things that I have done, but there are things that people have done to me that I wish I could delete.

Life is about living, right? Well, I'm trying to live it. I'm trying to live it to the fullest.

Right now, thinking back to Friday night when I was really upset that I had nothing to do and no one to hang out with I just can't help but chuckle to myself. I can't believe I was so worked up about it. I know what set me off though. While I was in Old Navy, I had a lady eye me down. I don't know what I did to deserve that treatment because I didn't even realize it until I had the feeling that someone was looking at me and I turned around to look. Seriously?! Why do some people have to be like that? It really did upset me. It also didn't help that I was in a depressed mood because I knew I didn't have any plans that night.

I've been really moody lately. I made the joke last night with a friend that maybe I am pregnant! haha. I mean, it could happen. But I don't think I am and I don't want to be. That would RUIN me. Especially because I know exactly who my baby daddy would be and I don't ever want that to happen. But I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I can't get pregnant; and I mean that quite literally. But enough of that. It's already too much information for people who do not know me. Or even for people who do know me.

I'm at work right now. Sitting here at my desk. Thinking...

Thinking about one person in particular and wishing that he was right here with me. Except not actually right here with me because why the heck would I want him here at work with me?! haha. I look around at the paperwork on my desk and want to shred it some days...

*sigh* 36 more days. 36 days until I can go for my driver's test. 36 more days until freedom. and 36 more days until the biggest responsibility of my life so far.

-h.

{Dance. Sing. Laugh. Cry.}

Dance, dance, dance.
Sing, sing, sing.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.

and then...

just cry.

{About a (lonely) girl}

The last time that I sat down and wrote I was ecstatic about the possibility of a new love interest in my mostly boring life. Today, I sit here depressed. It's a Friday night and I'm sitting in front of my computer screen writing into cyber space not even knowing or caring if someone will read this.

This time last weekend I was sitting in my friends living room watching two guys dancing and grinding while drinking their beers. I was having a good time! I was preparing myself mentally for what would be a night full of mistakes but no regrets. That's exactly what it was and it was fun! I do not regret it.

Tonight, the only thing I regret is not making plans with people. This is why I can honestly say that today, I am depressed.

Maybe it's the fact that tomorrow morning my best friend is leaving on a road trip and won't be back for a while. Maybe it's the fact that I could be cuddled up on a couch with my other friend making out and not caring about anything. Maybe it's because I could also just not care and take the car and go meet up my friend at the bar she's hanging out at tonight.

Whatever it is...it's keeping me in a foul mood.

Blah. Friday. You suck. Go screw yourself. Mmkay, thanks.

-h.

{About A Boy}

So at the beginning of February I began online communication with a gentlemen. It was great! We were able to keep the conversation going and the second time we had talked he asked me out to coffee. I am a huge chicken when it comes to meeting someone in person who I've been chatting with online. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing it I'm just known to freak out a little bit on the day of the actual meeting. This time was no different...

So I wasn't able to arrange for coffee with him until three weeks into our communicating. I set-up a double date with my friend and her husband and the two of us. I met up with him first downtown and we walked around and talked and got to know each other in person because after all, it's different chatting with someone online than in person. It went really well and it was a great night. No complaints. So, the following Friday I decided to invite him over to my friends house where I would be spending the night and that was fun. I drank a little too much but he didn't seem to mind so that was good and we cuddled and just spent a lot of the night just lounging on the couch. It was great!

After that we have gone out twice and it's going so well. Eek! It's kind of exciting. He's a great person and an old soul and I love it. It's amazing and refreshing to be with someone who not only respects me but can actually hold a conversation without my thoughts running away with me on some randomness. I find myself wanting to just listen to him talk because he reads a lot and absorbs a lot of information. He’s a great guy and I’m anxious to see where things go.

Of course my mom is itching to meet him and my dad is playing the somewhat over-protective father who asks all the questions because his little girl is dating a guy that they have never heard of. Haha. I’m sure they will eventually get over it.

But yeah, I’m really glad that everything is going well. He’s a sweet guy. Stay tuned…

{Panic Attack}

It all happens so quickly. One second you're sitting and the next you feel like the world is going to end. It isn't the greatest feeling in the world and you only wish you can walk away from it in one piece. You hope that the world won't realize what is happening to you, but at the same time wish there was something they could do for you. You feel trapped inside your body, like you're in a jail. Not knowing what will happen the next second, minute, hour. Your body feels tingly and yet surprisingly numb. Breathing becomes difficult and the pressure on your chest is almost too much to bare. Minutes feel like hours as you try to calm yourself down only to give in to the horrifying sensation that there isn't anything else that could go wrong.

"Walk, just walk it off" is what you tell yourself. "Breathe, just breathe" is what you hope will relieve this feeling. Thinking happy thoughts doesn't seem to work either...



Then, as quickly as it happened, it leaves. You're left with the feeling that something bad almost happened but didn't quite follow through. And now you're left to pick up the pieces, of a moment in your life that you hope will never happen again. The feeling of anxiety and fear for the unknown suppresses you, but you have to shake it off. "Don't think about it anymore" ...it's in the past now, even though you know that one day the same feeling that you despise...



...will haunt your very soul.

Today

So today is Valentine's Day apparently, I'd never know because no one really puts it on facebook or Twitter or anything............

I'M JOKING. 

But yeah, it's another Valentine's Day alone, but in all honesty I'm okay with it. I have no issues with being single. I like not having to check up on anyone to see how their day is going...haha. I mean, I still do with my friends but that's always different. It's a relief to not have to do that with a significant other though. ha. There are prospects in the horizon, however, and soon enough I could be writing a blog about it...but we'll cross that bridge when and if I get there.

I remember what V Day was like. Never anything too special. Maybe flowers, and chocolate, or a nice gift of some sort...but like I said, nothing too special. Perhaps it was foreshadowing...

I heard something once that has definitely changed my opinion about relationships and the people in them though.

Vince Vaughn was once interviewed before his film "Couples Retreat" opened in theatres and he said that the thing he wanted people to remember always was:

"Women go into a relationship hoping that their man will change, and men go into a relationship hoping that their woman won't change. Almost always, both parties are disappointed with the outcome."

 You might ask yourself how this has helped me? Well, it's made me realize that I AM NOT PERFECT. Yes, I said it. Believe it or not, Hilda is not a perfect person and I should never expect someone else to be for the sake of the relationship. We're all different and that's what makes a relationship work - or not work in some cases.

I think that when we all understand that the differences in personalities in a relationship are what make life so interesting we learn to love unconditionally. (oh god, i used that word...)

Well, for lack of a better - phrase? - Happy Valentine's Day to all of you who have someone to spend it with and even for those who don't. Remember to always smile because you never know who is falling in love with it.

Love,


-h.

{hmm}

I find myself more and more intrigued with the idea that somewhere out there a man is waiting to call me his wife. It's crazy to think that a couple of years from now I could be extremely fortunate of being with a man who loves me and cares about me. It's just a mind boggling phenomena and I thought I'd share it.

Truly. Madly. Deeply.

Yours,

H.

Internet Dating

If someone had told me a year and a half ago that I would find myself single and looking I think I would've been surprised and angry at that statement. But honestly, here I am. Single and looking - but not for a long term commitment. Looking for someone to hang out with and be with. That's about it. I miss having a guy call me 'sweetie' and 'hun' - well at least the spanish equivalent to those two words of endearment.

I have in the past signed up for dating sites just to meet new people and I have once again fallen into this. I have chatted with guys online before - actually, I've been doing it for about 7 years now. It's fun and interesting! haha. I had actually never ever met someone that I had met online until this past Friday. My experience was one that I will never forget and it was indeed quite refreshing to be able to just take a deep breath and let go. It was a fun night, and although I think that the only thing we have in common is the fact that we are both signed up on Lavalife and we like to laugh, I think that it is great friendship potential - although, I did quite enjoy the Tequila toast "To Our Children".

Since I signed up I have talked to probably over a dozen guys. Some of which have been interesting only for a couple of minutes and others that I actually found extremely interesting and I find that I still chat with or I only chatted with them for a couple of months.

I know people that are extremely weary of internet chatting/dating because of all the creeps that are out there but the way that I think of it is that as long as you pre-screen the other person and listen to the red flags - you can't really go wrong. I mean, for people who aren't internet smart then of course it'll probably be a horrible experience but really...what are you afraid of? Don't you think that there are other people online who are chatting with you that might think..."is this other person a creep?" whilst you sit at your computer and thinking the exact same thing? There are a lot more NORMAL people signing up on internet dating sites. People just like you that aren't interested in luring you to a dark corner in an alley off Whyte and raping you...

In saying all of this though, I do recommend that you be careful with it. Not all people online have the best of intentions. I have come across many creeps and almost too straightforward in the way they communicate about what they are looking for - which usually means countless of sexual fantasies. It happens. It happens in real life and it happens online. I think that one question we should ask ourselves when seeking to meet new people online is: Is this guy/girl saying anything makes them across as [insert negative trait here]? I am extremely weary of overprotective and controlling men so that is what i look for in my conversations with guys before I meet them. Trust me, there have been more red flags than one would like but it's not always that bad.

I don't agree or endorse the comments people make about internet daters when they call us "desperate". Why? Well, wouldn't the same be said for people who go to a restaurant, bar, club, church, concert, social gather, etc. hoping to find the same thing? Seriously. We are hearing of more and more couples who sign up for eHarmony and various other sites only to find a deep connection with someone.

I go into everything with an open mind and do not let somewhat interesting/bad/mediocre experiences close my mind. Life is about living - so go on. Live your life. Live it wisely, but don't hibernate in a hole fearing that if you escape from your hole the worst will happen.

So I guess this is my way of putting it out there that I am indeed signed up on Lavalife, and Plenty of Fish to hopefully find someone to hang with and maybe more.

Judge me. Hate me. Love me. I don't care. Just don't give up on finding love.

-h.

[Too Long]

It has been ages since I sat down at the computer to put my thoughts into this blog. For that I apologize greatly. Perhaps this blog will reveal the reason why I haven't felt the need to write about what has been going on in my life.

To be completely honest with you, I've just been out...living. And probably not to par with a lot of what my friends think "living" should be...but nonetheless, I have been living.

My photography was going steadily for a little bit before the snow hit and now I'm kind of stuck doing nothing...although that isn't completely true. I've got a couple of gigs at work for photos. So that is a good thing and I'm excited to see how it goes.

Um...I'm not sure who reads this blog anyway but basically, I haven't been to church in about 3 months. I haven't really felt the need to and to be quite honest with you: I am repulsed by the idea. A couple of weeks ago I had a heated argument with someone from my old church over nudity in films. It was extremely frustrating and I came out emotionally and mentally exhausted from that. It wasn't a pleasant experience and revealed to me how hard it is to change someones mind. I honestly felt stupid for even arguing with the person...I realized that not only was he being irrational...but even though the message he was trying to "preach" was probably extremely valid and a good point to address...he was being extremely pushy in the way of "preaching" it. I wanted to look him in the face and say "F**K YOU BUDDY!" that is how frustrated I was. And honestly, I did say those words just not to him directly. It made me repulsed by the idea that the way that he was coming across was the way that people view Christians. So frustrating, thus the reason I am repulsed.

That's probably why I haven't really taken the time to voice my thoughts or feelings in here...I don't want everyone to know my dirty laundry. And I really don't want the people who I used to go to church with to ask me "How are you and the Big Guy doing?" because I don't think that I owe anyone an explanation on how that is going...no matter how accountable being want me to be. For your information, I am not accountable to you.

Blah. I'm sorry. If you've read up to hear I guess...good on ya? I don't even know. This is kind of a depressing post. yikes! This is not what I intended but sometimes when you start something there is no telling where it's going to end up...

I've actually had to take a couple of breaks during this blog post to kind of control and organize my thoughts because I have soo many running through my head. Not to mention Facebook and text conversations...

I guess I don't really know what the point of this post is. Perhaps I just needed to get all of my anger and frustration out somewhere. I'm sorry that I vomitted all over you. Sorry.

2010 has so far proven to be an interesting year for me. I find myself extremely broke because of my unnecessary and compulsive spending last year...so I'm glad to say that January was great for catching up on debt and February continues the same...but because of that, I'm dirt poor. I have $26 in my bank account...which actually, considering how I used to have an overdraft account on my chequing account, is a good thing because at least I'm not in the negatives...It's just a bit ridiculous. But that's what happens...and you learn from your mistakes. I'm learning the hardway.

In March I will be purchasing a new camera to my collection and also second shooting a wedding. I will start driver's ed in April - fingers crossed - and in July I am going to California for about a week and a half for my cousin, Carlos', wedding. I'm extremely excited. I need to get away and I need to see my cousins. I'm buying my first car in October of this year...

(that's my future baby!)

Having my car will help me get around for photoshoots and stuff so I'm 

really looking forward to it! :)

Other than that...I turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. So that feels different. Um...I'm been trying the online dating thing and it has proven to be interesting...we'll see how it goes. haha.

I don't know what else to say...

Check out this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7f4TItnxVOw 

Thanks for reading!

-- h.