Sole Provider, Sole Comforter

original date: March 6, 2009

so lately i have been thinking alot. i always think alot but seems to be alot more lately. i've learned alot this year. i have learned to place my trust in God and he will take control of any situation i'm going through. i haven't been stressed in a while and it feels good. everytime i think that i'm going to get upset or stressed out about something i think, "God...take control. give me patience. i need you to help me relax!" more often i find myself asking God this...and it's not like things have just gotten harder. no, i just realize more and more now that i need Jesus. and he wants me to need him and acknowledge that.

This year started off with small tests of patience. Not only at work but also with friends and at home. at first it was so hard! you have no idea how hard it was. i have a hard time trusting. and not all of the time but in the past i hadn't been able to grasp the concept of trusting a God I couldn't see. I mean, i did trust God...but i didn't really trust God, you know? and then God started sending me word of his undying love and his grace through friends. One verse that will forever stick with me is "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Maria said that one to me one day when i had mentioned on my status that i worry too much sometimes. and from the very moment that i read it, it's like God grabbed a hold of me and whispered it in my ear. it was such a blessing to my life to hear that. And more and more i see that happen. I see God use my friends to speak words of life and renewal into my life. God is so good and some days i get really nostalgic just thinking about how amazing he is and how unworthy i am. I am not worthy of his love, or his grace, or even his mercy. I have screwed up alot in life. like ALOT! i mean i've never done drugs or anything...but i've had a huge internal struggle with staying pure in the past; especially with my last relationship. and i am still healing from that. it wasn't like my ex cheated on me - well, does going for coffee with an old fling mean he cheated? - i just felt God tugging at my heart and telling me that he wanted so much more for me. the reason why i stayed in that relationship so long was because it was the first MAJOR one i had ever had, and it felt so good to have someone other than your parents loving you. but, i wasn't happy. in fact, for the last year of that relationship i found myself becoming more and more unhappy with myself. i wasn't a pleasant person to be around...well if you ask my family anyway, that's what they will say. so finally i said...God, i'm not happy. what do i do? and he said, get out. So I did. and even though it broke my heart to leave someone who was so amazing - and yet boring - very soon i knew what God was up to.

God wanted me to come back to him. I was like the prodigal son for a while. even though I was doing the whole "church" thing, i wasn't doing the God thing. I was going with the motions of going to church on occasional sundays and playing on other sundays but I wasn't giving all that I was to God. God is an all or nothing God. I've learned that. And I knew that before but now I actually know it!

"Come to me, all who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

That was my devotional this morning. I am trying to go through a devotional book called "Grace for the Moment" by Max Lucado. Let me show you what my devotional said.

As long as Jesus is one of many options, he is no option. As long as you can carry your burdens alone, you don't need a burden bearer. As long as your situation brings you no grief, you will receive no comfort. And as long as you can take him or leave him, you might as well leave him, because he won't be taken half-heartedly. But when you mourn, when you get to that point of sorrow for your sins, when you admit that you have no other option but to cast all your cares on him, and when there is truly no other name that you can call, then cast all your cares on him, for he is waiting in the midst of the storm.

How amazing is that? God wants all that I am. He wants my heart, my mind, my hands, my feet. And he wants to use all of me for his glory.

I want to be used for God's glory. Not for my own. Recognition is nothing if it isn't for Jesus. I'm starting to fall in love with my Saviour. I'm beginning to realize that this life that I am living is the way it is right now because of his unfailing love and his amazing grace.

I think something that a friend of mine said last week to me has alot of truth. He said, "It is often when we face opposing forces that we grow the most."

"God, let me be a sanctuary for you. Let my praise rise to you and only you. Be the Lord of my life and my mind. Help me grow and never stop growing. Help me to love you more and more. Your grace and your love overwhelm my heart and I am Yours forever. Amen."