so i\'m really glad to be taking this trip to Fairmont for a number of reasons. First of all, because I need a break from my family. And even though I\'m pretty much broke and I don\'t have alot of money until Wednesday next week it\'s just a relief to know that I\'ll be away from the people that I love. I had this huge fight with my mom today because she started poking into my personal life and started scolding me about my finances. I guess she feels the need to tell me that I\'m screwing up and I shouldn\'t have all this debt because I live at home and I make a decent amount of money. Which is all true but of course I had to fight back and I said, \"mom I know I\'m screwing up! i don\'t need you to tell me that I should be debt free! I know I have alot of sh*t to pay and I\'m trying hard to manage my finances better.\" I know she\'s my mom but as kids I guess we are just prone to roll our eyes at our parents and tell them that we are making my own mistakes. Which is what i told her...it just kind of frustrates me...some days i wish i could just run away and not come home and it\'s not even because my home life sucks, because it doesn\'t, but it\'s because i just wish i had more alone time. I\'ve started walking home from the bus stop instead of calling my mom to pick me up at the transit centre because i get that time to just be alone! because i know that as soon as i step foot in this house i am surrounded by my parents and siblings, my two cats, and my moms friend. so it sucks! this is part of the reason why i will be living on residence when i go to post-secondary. Second, because I need a break from work. things are remarkably better now at work but i still feel the need to get away and not have to worry about some of the jerks or a-holes that i work with...plus, things are slow at work right now. at least i know that when i get back next week i\'ll have actual WORK to catch up on. BAH! The last reason why I can\'t wait to get away from Edmonton is because this is a chance for me to re-evaluate my feelings. About alot of things... church, music, school, work, a boy. it\'s a time when i can just get away from the four walls that i sit in right now and think outside of my box and temporarily transfer into another one. See new things, experience and breathe new air. I think that\'s why I love traveling so much. It\'s an escape for my mind, body, and soul... My heart is breaking as I write this. And not because I\'m sad...but because I think that I\'m broken...and maybe before God can fix me, I need to be broken. Maybe the main reason is because I have these feelings that I don\'t want to hide but at the same time I have to hide because if I reveal them it\'ll be the end of a fantastic friendship. No, I\'m not a lesbian. (<i know! very random>) But these stupid feelings make me feel nostalgic...especially when this stupid boy I like doesn\'t even realize that I exist. It sucks big time. I want to be loved by someone other than my parents or my friends. Does that ring a bell? I want to mean more to someone. I miss having the love of a man. I don\'t miss the ex, but I definitely miss the feelings. I mean, we never really talked. Honestly, I don\'t think I ever had a meaningful conversation with him. Nothing deep. There was no deep, profound connection in our relationship. It was only an immature love and I don\'t think that it would\'ve ever matured. So missing that and liking this new guy makes me want to run to this new guys arms and just tell him that I love him. haha but maybe love isn\'t the right word...well no it isn\'t. haha. I hardly know him. But I\'m starting to get to know him and I\'m really liking what I know, so far. But he doesn\'t see me that way. Why?! Why do I always have to fall into this? Why do I always start liking someone who isn\'t interested?! It makes me mad sometimes because I think that of all the \"single-and-looking\" (wish i could italicize this) guys out there I always have to pick the ones who are interested, but never interested in me. BAH! haha Now I\'m just whining. Sorry...but anyway. That\'s what is going through my head right now as I sit here in my room with my mango colored walls my belongings all in disarray. I just thought maybe, just maybe...you cared. Thanks for reading... Hilda
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