so it's been ages since i blogged. why? i'm not entirely sure. i think i've just felt like i haven't been learning anything or feeling like i have anything to share...maybe that is how my blog is supposed to start. maybe i'm asking the wrong question? should i be asking...what can i learn?
meh who knows. i'm sitting here in my room, bored with life even though there are things going on that i shouldn't be bored about but maybe i'm just apathetic. yes...that is the word. i'm apathetic with life. i'm not even entirely sure why.
(please excuse the fact that i won't be using very many capitals in this post)
the past couple of weeks have been eventful but boring. i have fun when i'm doing something but then i get home and sit in my room and i am immediately bored again. i want to write something...music, poems, narratives, anything, but the words just do not flow. BLAH!
i don't even know why i bother with a blog if i don't have anything positive to say. perhaps there is still hope for me.
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. yes, that's right. hilda, the girl who a couple of weeks ago would've never even considered it is now thinking and deeply considering it. i'm thinking of getting 1 Corinthians 13:13 on my leg somewhere. just the 3 words though: faith, hope, love. we'll see.
my mouth has gotten a hold of me again. and not the good mouth...i mean the bad one. my foul language has probably not gotten as bad as it used to be but it's still pretty bad. i find myself saying words i shouldn't and not even realizing it. almost as if they are part of my vocabulary. i can truthfully and honestly say that i'm struggling. it's dumb...but it's true.
i think it's funny when people who do not have a personal relationship with Jesus think that if a christian says a bad word "lightning" will strike on that person...well i'm still here aren't i? the world view of christianity - religion not relationship - and christians is so twisted but in most ways true. how do we change that? i'm not sure. i mean, i've had conversations with people about it and the old ways of evangelism and how evangelists would - and still do - scare people into believing in God. "if you don't believe you will burn in hell". come on! seriously i have a hard time remembering what i was brainwashed to do. bah! i don't even know why i'm getting into this. i guess i'm just a little frustrated with the church i used to go to. i compare my church now and my old church and see so many different things and yet many similarities. it's frustrating.
i guess just pray for me. i'm a bit of a control freak so i think right now i'm having a hard time giving God things in my life that he needs to take. i still love Jesus...oh how I love him. but i'm struggling showing that love. i'm reminded by 1 Corinthians 13:1 - "if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol." that's what i am right now. i think we are all that at some point in our lives and right now that's where i am.
i don't think i have anything else to say...
-hilda
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