Winter

All of a sudden the season we thought we were in - Fall - has turned into what we like to call Winter. It has started to snow here in the Prairies and to be completely honest with you, I'm not at all upset that the Fall came all to suddenly and disappeared just as quickly. Sometimes a certain season is only meant to stay a little while as a transition into the next, no matter how smooth - or not - that transition is.

I find myself wondering what I will be doing this time next year. Will I still be working at the same place? Will I be doing a lot more photography? Will I finally have clients that I don't necessarily know until I meet them for a consultation? Will I be in a relationship?

I don't know what I'll be doing this time next year. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

Life is interesting these days. I find myself juggling work, photography, friends, family, men, and all the other smaller things that tend to occupy ones life. I am not necessarily at a "blah" stage in my life; pretty sure I'm over that. This stage is more of a questioning phase. I question a lot of things. Some good and some bad and honestly I find myself questioning almost anything and everything I hear; mostly as it pertains to religion.I have never been a fan of the word religion - nor will I be - but I have found myself referring to things as "religious".

Personally, I feel that when you refer to something or someone as "religious" you are separating yourself from that person because they believe in something that you probably don't. And I'm not saying I don't believe, I am just saying that at this moment in time I am searching, questioning, and yes, waiting. Past experiences tell me that this is the worst thing that I could possibly be doing but nonetheless, I am doing it.

Boys occupy way too much time in my life and mind. Right now I am juggling two different boys and I will NOT mention names.

One guy that I am definitely interested in I met a few months ago. Great guy! Seriously. Easy to talk to,  outgoing, hilarious, and he always has something to say - something my ex lacked, unfortunately. The other guy is an old high school acquaintance. He's funny too - i think - and I say that because I haven't exactly had a full conversation with him in person. It has always been "hey, hows it going" and that's about it, until recently when we started texting and yes, I had a dream (damn it. always happens!) and so we started talking. So my dilemma is that I really really like the first guy I mentioned and I think there's potential for..."advancement" but I'm not sure if he feels the same so meanwhile I hold on hoping that one day he will reveal his true feelings for me and sweep me off my feet and we will have a short but amazing relationship and then engagement and then be married and start doing life together. *catches her breath*

Alas, this is only a dream. I do think about this too much - I told you!

Life is an adventure and I believe that my adventure is only just beginning. I'm loving parts of it so far, and I know I can definitely learn from others. I mean, I know I'm learning...ha.

It's almost been a year since I ended what I thought would be the beginning of the rest of my life and I can't believe I've come this far. I can't believe that I was able to live through it all. Oh the joys!

I think one thing I'll remember from 2009 is that I got my life back and I made friends, lost friends, laughed, loved, and lived this year. And I know the year isn't over yet but I like to start thinking about this stuff early so that I can possibly improve the rest of the year - why revisit the year at the end of it? I recommend quarterly reviews. :)

I am doing well. I am doing fine.

I have two photoshoots lined up for this weekend and I am really looking forward to them.

I have a blog for my photography now: http://www.hildalemusphotography.blogspot.com
I do update it everytime I have new photos so please check it whenever you get the chance.

Thanks for reading my rant.

-Hilda

hmph

I sit here in my kitchen with the small glow of my computer screen filling the darkness around me. Honestly, I'm not sure where this will go but I feel that I must write something down; it's been too long.

Recently, life has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I've been more frustrated and stressed out than ever in the past couple of weeks. I've had amazing happy moments with people that I love, new and old friends. Plus, a new and familiar emotion has creeped up on me again. It comes with a ticking in my stomach as if a million butterflies have decided to make my stomach their home. And it of course comes with constant daydreaming and full-length conversations in my head of how I wish things were right now...

All-in-all, it is quite interesting to be experiencing this again...but not only am I experiencing it, but I also feel as though the feelings are being returned. Hopefully it's not just wishful thinking because I would most definitely be heartbroken. But anyway...

So lately I've been kind of upset with and drifting from one person. I'm not sure if it's just me, but it's almost as if that season of my life looks differently now and I'm moving on. Who knows, but really the thing is this person has changed so much that I feel like I have no part in their life anymore. As if we have taken two completely different - and yet similar - paths in life and we are no longer walking together but walking apart. I am on one side of the river, while this person is on the other and yet we both have the same destination point; only different ways of getting there. It's been quite the journey so far. I've learned new things about this person, tried to understand them and have succeeded but failed at showing how much I am understanding and coming across as a bitch; literally.

I don't know how this will turn out or how things will change in a couple of weeks but I have a feeling that they will be remarkably different. We'll see I guess.

don't forget to cross your fingers on this new "butterfly" situation! teeheeee....

So it's been quite a while since I've blogged. I haven't really felt the need to update on anything because nothing interested in happening. I mean other than making new friends, and talking to old friends, life is pretty blah and boring. It seems like this summer is really hot. We've had a couple of hot days the past couple of weeks and it's been awesome! Although, I can't say I'm a huge fan of the heat.

Lately, work has been pretty stressful. It sucks big time. Makes me want to quit my job and do my photography full time and hopefully find someone who will pay for it. bah!

I just recently bought a new lens...today actually! haha. I found a lens in my house so now I have 3 in my collection. It's pretty awesome because I feel like things are coming together for this photography career plan. So fun!

A couple of weeks ago I did a photoshoot with my friend Maria and it was an awesome experience! In the weeks to come I'll be photographing a couple of my other friends. I've deleted my Portfolio off of facebook because I feel like the resolution on that site for pictures isn't the greatest and I've moved most pictures to Flickr.com (www.flickr.com/photos/hildalemus). It's an awesome site and does my photos justice I think.

Hmm what else can I update on? I have no idea. I've decided to take a break from Worship Ministry at church this fall. Why? I'm not quite sure. I'm at a weird place in my life right now...trying to figure things out, asking questions that I know have validity, and just exploring. So that's kind of why I've decided to not be a part of the worship ministry for the fall. I'm sure that right now I'm just climbing a mountain in my life and trying to get over it and once I'm on the other side, everything will be alright. So don't worry too much about me. I'm alright! :)

Anything else? Oh I want to get my lip pierced. I already have my nose pierced and I want my lip pierced - a stud - to compliment my nostril piercing. Michael said he might be able to get me a discount at Strange City because he knows the people there and they gave him a discount for his septum piercing. So yeah. Should be fun and interesting! haha

Well...that's all for now! Thanks for reading! :) Feel free to leave a comment.

-Hilda

Writing

It has been a very interesting week so far. Life seems to be throwing some interesting curve balls at me.

I'm struggling a little bit with the friendships I currently have. I think I'm taking one step back and just letting people come to me for a change. I don't know if maybe I'm too pushy in my approach when it comes to trying to make plans with friends, but seriously, this week was not fun. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone or trying to make anyone feel bad but I was really looking forward to doing a couple of things this week but ended up not doing them because people who had said they would hang out did not follow through.

I've had every night this week as "alone" time. I mean, I love alone time. Don't get me wrong...but being alone always gets lonely. So that's where I am at right now. I'm kind of lonely. But I'll wait.

So this week has also been pretty stressful at work because it is right around Budget time and it's just crazy. Managers trying to get numbers inputted into spreadsheets and Business plans for next year getting completed. Oh man, a lot of this stuff falls on me. So of course I am stressed and falling behind on my own work because of all of the "seasonal" work. So I have planned to go into work on Saturday to catch up on stuff I should've done this week but couldn't do because of prioritizing the most and least important things. Should be interesting. At least Saturday night will be fun. I've planned to go to a jazz show on Saturday night with my friend Cam. well he said possibly...so we'll see. But I'm going for sure. Even if I end up going alone - secretly hoping I don't - I will go and have fun.

Oh and tomorrow night I'm going to watch My Sister's Keeper with my friend Vicky. Looking forward to that. So I guess I'm not completely alone but I feel like that sometimes. I'm planning on taking my learner's test again next week. So please pray and cross your fingers that I pass this time. what is it, 6th time the charm? lol oh dear. I will begin studying. :) no worries.

In a couple of weeks my family is taking a much needed trip to Kelowna, BC. It's going to be a great trip just because we have never been out there so I'm really looking forward to it.

Oh stress...stress is not fun. I'm pretty sure I've grown a couple of greys in the last couple of weeks. Not because of stress but because I am always thinking about something or someone. I just can't stop.

Oh and then my friend asked me to be the photographer for this magazine that he is trying to start. So I'm going to have to put the skills that I do not yet have to the test. Should be interesting.

Also, my other friend at work has asked me to do photos of her and her bridesmaids getting ready the morning of her wedding. But here's the other part. She came up to me today and told me that her wedding photographer said that he would love for me to "shadow" him for the day. Apparently he usually has a student with him but he won't have one then so he said I am more than welcome to shadow him for the day and take as many pics as I like. So I have 3 months to save up for a new lens. :) I need a wide-angle lens. That's what I definitely need! haha.

Oh I ordered new sunglasses the other day. :) I can't wait to get them. They should arrive on Monday or Tuesday so I'm really looking forward to them! I'll post a pic once I get them.

Thanks for reading...

I hope I'm not completely boring.

-hilda

Living in the past, present, future

Have you ever found yourself thinking, wondering - no let's use envisioning - a moment in your life that you wish you could just freeze so that you could hold on to the feeling of that particular moment?

Have you ever wondered what it would've been like if that moment had actually gone the direction you are only now wishing it had taken?

Have you ever considered the idea that not only are you enthralled by that moment, but that every time you think about it you seem to live in it?

I have recently had a moment that I wish had never ended. An evening that I wish had lasted forever. Of course it was with a boy. Sometimes when I go back to that moment when our hands slightly touched I think...why did it stop there? Why didn't it continue into a full on finger-locking moment? Why did I want more? Should I let it go and move on from that moment and focus on the future?

As soon as I do that I think about the future in a different way; I return to that moment. I begin to envision the present in a different way. I imagine that night, a slight graze of the fingers, moving naturally into a finger-lock. And then I picture myself now - 3 weeks later, happy with a great guy holding me in a deep embrace. And then I am abruptly brought back to reality when I realize that I am living in the past. Dreaming in the present, of a future with a boy I am only friends with.

Dreams come true though, right?

If you said, sometimes, you're probably right. However, in my world, dreams rarely ever come true.

out of the ocean

original date: June 4, 2009

This week i had an encounter with an older man who was trying to enter the mall. i've seen this man numerous times and he requires the aid of a "walker" to walk. he also probably takes about 5 steps per minute so of course when i have seen him crossing the street there are always people who want to help him cross. so this week when this man was trying to go in through one of the doors at the mall he used the handicap door and pushed the button. i was approaching from behind and noticed that the door was closing on him so i jumped to push the button for him. as he watched me do it he just shook his head in disapproval. why he did this i will never know?

I guess it's like how sometimes God wants to help us and we just shut him away (and ignore him)...why? because we think we can do things on our own...or we think that we don't need help. in the end, we realize that we do need help no matter how strong or "proud" we might be.

I must say I've been struggling a lot lately. not seeing things the way God wants me to see them but seeing them the way I want to. It's been about "ME" a lot lately. And I have - once again - come to the realization that I can't do life on my own. I need to trust God and let him take all the worries that I have. I'm a control-freak, I admit that. I always want and sometimes feel like I NEED to be in control. Definitely something I'm trying to work on and will continue to work on. Perseverance is key.

"Every bad thing you do, Jesus suffered for, so imagine how He feels when you ignore Him. Not to mention, David murdered and cursed and committed adultery, and he was called a man after God's own heart...you need perseverance.

Your hair rises when under pressure or when it gets cold to warm you up and calm your nerves. One tiny example of how amazing and smart God is. God's work is constantly right in front of us. But He won't help us unless we ask, and ask with faith. Leave your worries to Him because all we can do is live one day to the next and do our best to encourage others."
- words by someone very wise.

"for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again" - Prov. 24:16

I'm rising up again, out of the deep ocean of worry and frustration. Rising to the top, breathing again, and grabbing hold of the only one who can rescue me.

a while would be an understatement

original date: May 31, 2009

so it's been ages since i blogged. why? i'm not entirely sure. i think i've just felt like i haven't been learning anything or feeling like i have anything to share...maybe that is how my blog is supposed to start. maybe i'm asking the wrong question? should i be asking...what can i learn?

meh who knows. i'm sitting here in my room, bored with life even though there are things going on that i shouldn't be bored about but maybe i'm just apathetic. yes...that is the word. i'm apathetic with life. i'm not even entirely sure why.

(please excuse the fact that i won't be using very many capitals in this post)

the past couple of weeks have been eventful but boring. i have fun when i'm doing something but then i get home and sit in my room and i am immediately bored again. i want to write something...music, poems, narratives, anything, but the words just do not flow. BLAH!

i don't even know why i bother with a blog if i don't have anything positive to say. perhaps there is still hope for me.

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. yes, that's right. hilda, the girl who a couple of weeks ago would've never even considered it is now thinking and deeply considering it. i'm thinking of getting 1 Corinthians 13:13 on my leg somewhere. just the 3 words though: faith, hope, love. we'll see.

my mouth has gotten a hold of me again. and not the good mouth...i mean the bad one. my foul language has probably not gotten as bad as it used to be but it's still pretty bad. i find myself saying words i shouldn't and not even realizing it. almost as if they are part of my vocabulary. i can truthfully and honestly say that i'm struggling. it's dumb...but it's true.

i think it's funny when people who do not have a personal relationship with Jesus think that if a christian says a bad word "lightning" will strike on that person...well i'm still here aren't i? the world view of christianity - religion not relationship - and christians is so twisted but in most ways true. how do we change that? i'm not sure. i mean, i've had conversations with people about it and the old ways of evangelism and how evangelists would - and still do - scare people into believing in God. "if you don't believe you will burn in hell". come on! seriously i have a hard time remembering what i was brainwashed to do. bah! i don't even know why i'm getting into this. i guess i'm just a little frustrated with the church i used to go to. i compare my church now and my old church and see so many different things and yet many similarities. it's frustrating.

i guess just pray for me. i'm a bit of a control freak so i think right now i'm having a hard time giving God things in my life that he needs to take. i still love Jesus...oh how I love him. but i'm struggling showing that love. i'm reminded by 1 Corinthians 13:1 - "if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol." that's what i am right now. i think we are all that at some point in our lives and right now that's where i am.

i don't think i have anything else to say...

-hilda

[Airport]

original date: May 17, 2009

So I'm sitting here in the airport kind of bored.

It's been a long week here on the east coast of Canada. This was definitely a trip I will remember forever! It is 4:03 a.m. Yes that's right. It's 4:03 in the morning. it's super early but Lily and I arrived here around 11:30 last night and we have been here ever since. Our flight leaves Halifax at 7:20 a.m. and we thought it would be pretty pointless to get a room for a couple of hours...so we must resort to spending the night in an unfamiliar airport where we can't even sleep. There is an observation room upstairs that is nice and dark and has the lights dimmed but there is someone sleeping up there. Lily and I tend to be loud because we start talking and laughing and we just thought it would be rude to impose on someone who is sleeping...haha hence the reason why we are in the main floor observation area on our laptops, taking advantage of our "FREE WiFi".

So Lily asked me a very interesting question today...something that I probably had not even thought about this whole trip. She asked me, "what do you think you've learned form this trip?" and so i started thinking about it. The first thing that came to my mind was "i've learned that I could definitely live in another city". Not the answer she was looking for...she asked me to elaborate. and I thought a little more about this question. To be honest, I had not really thought about what I was learning at all. I kind of just went through the trip hanging out and having a good time, which I think is a good idea every once in a while. So as I thought about how to answer this question I thought to myself..."what did i learn?"

I am pretty sure that I learned that I can definitely enter a different environment and adapt quickly. Lily and I did not feel threatened for once on our trip. It was an overall great experience in the different cities we visited. Jesus had our backs the whole way, that is for sure! Even when things seemed stupid and like they weren't going to work out all that great He found a way of turning it all around.

Arriving at the university dorms in Prince Edward Island is a prime example of that!

We arrived on Wednesday around 11:30 in Charlottetown. Our check-in time to our accommodations wasn't until 4 p.m. So we grabbed lunch and then I said to Lily that maybe they would let us check-in early if there were rooms available. So we walked to the UPEI campus which was just down the street. We of course did not know our way around this campus and it did not help that we were carrying around our luggage with us! So we arrived at the main area and didn't know which building our building was. A gentlemen showed us where we were supposed to be going. When we arrived at Bernardine Hall where we were supposed to stay a sign was posted on the door that said we had to check-in at another building. We were frustrated because we did not want to walk around with all of our luggage anymore. We walked to this "New Residence" building and told them the situation about us checking in early. They said that the Hall we were supposed to be staying in was "under construction". UNBELIEVABLE! We were so confused because you would assume that when you make this reservation they would tell you that the building is under construction, but they didn't say anything. Then the lady said to us that they would be upgrading us to the new residence and honouring the price for the other hall. This was fantastic news! And this is the example that I'm giving about God always watching our backs!

Our dorm rooms ended up being really nice and spacious. So we were happy and it was just so great to see that God turned a crappy situation around and just gave us joy for being in a new city/town and experiencing new things all around.

God is good and that is what I am once again reminded of on this trip. No matter where you are, whether it be in a different city or town, or if you're in your home or someone else's home...He is still good.

May you be blessed this week.

H.

Maritimes Day 1

original date: May 12, 2009

So I am sitting in my dorm room in Halifax unable to sleep. It is mainly due to the stupid time change. We are 3 hours ahead of Edmonton here so of course I don't feel tired!

Lily and I arrived safely this morning a little before 6:30 a.m. We were able to quickly catch a cab that brought us straight to Dalhousie University which is where I am right now. The plane ride was not fun! We couldn't sleep on the stupid plane because it was so uncomfortable. So all day Lily and I were running on basically 2 or so hours of sleep. (And on top of that, the nearest Starbucks is 3 blocks away, but we were too tired to walk there!) So we checked in to our dorms and received our room keys. We have separate rooms because there were no doubles available when we booked our accomodations here. It's alright though. She is just down the hall. Another odd thing about this dorm is the fact that our bathrooms are Co-Ed! Guys and girls use the same bathrooms. So today when we used the showers it just felt strange. Anyway, enough about that.

Nova Scotia is beautiful. We were able to do a tour today called "the Bluenose Coast Tour" with a man named Greg. He is originally from New Zealand and a very nice man! There were 2 other people who joined us on the tour. A couple, Peter and Ellen, from Australia - Brisbane to be exact. They were very friendly. A Japanese girl who was an exchange student at the UofA also came along. Small world! Our first stop on the tour was Mahone Bay. A beautiful and quaint town along Mahone Bay - hence the name. The buildings were all so old but renovated and given care in order to preserve them. We had about 45 minutes to an hour to look around. Of course the first place Lily and I hit up was the candy/fudge place! We got to try the Peanut Butter gelato there. It was so good! Except, it definitely did not have the right gelato consistency, but still very good. We stopped for a donair and mozza sticks and then headed back to the meeting spot. The photographs we took there were amazing. It was such a beautiful town!

We headed to the town of Lunenburg. That was another town full of history and amazing architecture. It was here that I had an amazing Peanut butter cheesecake and a dark roast cup of coffee that was so good, even Starbucks doesn't compare! And everyone knows how much I like my Pike Place roast at Starbucks! Lunenburg was a much more relaxed town. Not a lot of people out. We got some interesting photographs there too!

We then proceeded towards the magnificent Peggy's Cove. That was definitely the highlight of this tour. What an amazing Cove to visit! The lighthouse is so old and yet has so much character. The waves crashed against the rocks and it was just so beautiful. Despite the wind and cold, we definitely enjoyed spending time in that area. So beautiful!

Tomorrow we continue our adventures. We will be up bright and early to visit the many sights right here in Halifax. We are also meeting up with Jamin who has recently moved here to attend St. Mary's University. We are having coffee with him! It'll be a good day and I'm sure we will enjoy everything we will do. I have taken so many photos already! It's amazing!

We are also planning on getting some groceries tomorrow. Not too many, but just enough.

peace, love, and ice cream,

Hilda

[insert title here]

original date: April 16, 2009

so i'm blogging, but i don't know what i'm going to say.

today was kind of an interesting day...well sort of. work was quiet for the most part, and I had some time to kind of think I guess...for some reason I haven't been thinking alot lately. I'm kind of frustrated at the moment, more so with myself, but at the same time with people. Maybe I just need to be alone for a while...well not really, but I just don't even know. BAH!

only God knows what He's doing when things don't turn out the way WE want them to. I was reminded of this on Monday, when I found out some not so "awesome" news...but at the same time, I was reminded that His plans are perfect and His will for my life is also perfect.

I love Erwin's book "Soul Cravings". It is so fantastic, because it is just like this. It's like a book of blog entries and it fascinates me. It is isn't this amazingly put together book full of wisdom or theological references...it's a book that is real. It's full of wisdom, but in a different sense...It's just fantastic. You have to read it to understand I guess.

So God is helping me get through this book so that I can continue to challenge and put into practice what I'm learning. Right now I'm in the section of the book about "Destiny". We are destined for greatness because that is what God wants for our lives. One quote from this chapter says "God calls us out of the life we have known and calls us to life we have never imagined." and "The path you must walk may appear to others as strange or unreasonable, but you know there's more going on than meets the eye." How much more real can it get?

Oh man...I'm learning. Everyday.

To all of my friends writing finals, please know that I have you in my prayers.

Be blessed,

Hilda

hmmm

original date: April 11, 2009

So I realize that I haven't blogged in a while.

Since my last blog, my fairmont trip was oh so awesome! It was so good to get away for a couple of days. Especially since I got to spend some time with some very amazing people!!!

I've also decided on August 14, 2009. Future blog posts will elaborate on the significance of that particular date.

So as I sit here in my room...it's already April 11, 2009 - would've been my dog's 7th birthday today - I'm cold. lol cold because we have a timed heater in our house and i'm pretty sure that it shuts off around this time and starts up again around 4 am or something ridiculous like that...but yeah. i'm not tired so i'm typing...typing, typing, typing.

I don't know what exactly what to write about. I'm just typing and saying the first thing that pops into my head.

I am in love with the I-Empire Angels & Airwaves album!! It is phenomenal!! and also, lately I've been having these insane urges to listen to "Liar" by Disciple. Now if you know me, this isn't exactly the type of music that I'm used to listening to but this song is NOT SO BAD! It's actually really good. I'm pretty much in-like with this song. SO yeah...it's sweet! Kudos and shout out to Caleb for showing me this song. lol

So I totally missed the Easter celebrations at my church...and even though Easter SUnday hasn't passed yet I know I won't be there because my family was invited to attend a different church for a special service. Which is totally cool by me! It just would've been sweet to catch some of the Jesus Celebrations at my church. I missed Good Friday and I'll miss Easter Sunday. I was there for Palm Sunday though! It was pretty sweet.

Oh and on Palm Sunday...I made eye contact with the stupid ex. CRAP! It pretty much sucked!!!!!!!

He was walking by and i looked just as he looked and oh man it was horrible. What an awkward situation. I hope it never happens again. Seriously!

This morning I went to help my friend Melissa with her baby. She needed to clean the house and I offered to babysit little Mason while her and her husband cleaned up the house. I was there for about 2 hours. 'Twas sweet!! Mason is sooo cute!!!

What else did I do today? Oh yeah...I went to Boston Pizza with my mom, dad, and my brother. That was good. And then I told mymom that she had forgotten her friends birthday that was yesterday and she called her and we made arrangements to go and see her so we were at their house for the duration of the evening until about 10 pm and then we headed back home.

Oh and I am now the proud owner of Microsoft Office 2008 for MAC. haha so sweet!! I was super stoked to get it! Just because, iWork is sweet - don't get me wrong - but Microsoft Office is even sweeter! lol. next Apple software to purchase on my list is a different type of photo and digital editing software. There aren't enough editing tools on iPhoto. meh oh well...i still love my macbook! woot woot!

I have a date next Friday..well hopefully. I have a date with a boy and his name is Terry. lol it's going to be soo sweet! We're going to see "I Love You, Man" and "The Last House on the Left". It will be super fun! and I'm uber stoked for it!

Tomorrow is going to be a sweet day. Maria is coming over around 11 a.m. so I can straighten her hair to prepare her for Easter Sunday and then we're going to go and grab a quick coffee and Starbucks and then I'll come home and not do the photoshoot that I was supposed to do.

It's too bad. I was supposed to do a mini photoshoot with my friend Vicky and her baby girl but she can't anymore. Her husband went to California last week and was supposed to come back on Thursday but he lost his passport and now he's having trouble getting back into the country. So it's kinda crazy for them right now. So Vicky said we have to postpone our photoshoot to next Saturday, which is totally fine! But now I have an afternoon to do nothing. Well I guess not exactly because I'll get to continue cleaning my room! I have to clean my bathroom...lol.

Well I'm going to go to bed now. There is a short update on my days here in E-town.

Hope you enjoyed reading my boredom! lol.

'night.

Hilda

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

original date: April 6, 2009

This morning in church I was reminded of the amazing command in these words. "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus". This is not simply turning your heart to God, it's turning your EYES to him and seeing his beauty and grace. The eyes are so important. I thank God that he has given me the gift of sight. So many times I find myself wondering what life would be like if I couldn't see. Who knows, maybe I would actually focus on God more.

The reason why I was convicted by these words was because at the moment that the words were being sung I was not focusing on Jesus. I was thinking about the boy in the sixth row from the front of stage right. And as soon as I said "oh my goodness he's so beautiful", the immediate thought of "turn your eyes upon Jesus" rang through my head. Not just because it was being sung but also because it was exactly what I wasn't doing at the time. I lose focus a lot of the time. I have big time ADD but I haven't been diagnosed...it's just something I like to say I have. So today, focusing my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, and my eyes on Jesus was something that I was reminded of.

Last night I watched a documentary-type film by Bill Maher called "Religulous". Now I know what you may be thinking, "what is a christian doing and watching that film?" Well, I have to tell you that it is not a film I would recommend to anyone. Bill Maher says that he preaches the Gospel of I-don't-know. It's true. In this film he goes to the many different religions and speaks with people of these religions and asks them why they think their god is real. He questions the belief in any god and questions the need for it in our society. At one point he even said that he understood why the guy in jail would want Jesus, because he has nothing else. But people who have everything in life shouldn't need Jesus.

All I could think to myself was, "what a narrow-minded way of thinking". People who don't know can't grasp the idea of God. and to be honest, sometimes even we as Christians can not grasp the idea because he is just too great to grasp. And Bill Maher thinks that this is a ridiculous way of thinking. Hence the title "religulous".

I'm not sure why I decided to watch this film. Possibly because I am interested in knowing what the world thinks about Jesus and Christians. Bill actually said in the movie to a man "thank you for being Christ-like and not just Christian". I think that even the world thinks we should be more Christ-like if we call ourselves Christians...are we being Christ-like?

That's my question...

Hilda

Soul Cravings

original date: April 2, 2009

I read this last night before I went to bed and I thought I would share it.

It’s an excerpt from Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it.

Entry #1: Heading Down the Glory Road

Are you a coward? This is not for you. We badly need a brave man. He must be 23 to 25 years old, in perfect health, at least six feet tall, weight about 190 pounds, fluent in English with some French, proficient with all weapons, some knowledge of engineering and mathematics essential, willing to travel, no family or emotional ties, indomitably courageous and handsome of face and figure. Permanent employment, very high pay, glorious adventure, great danger. You must apply in person, 17, rue Dante, Nice 2me etage, appt. D.

I probably wasn’t more than eleven years old when I first read Robert A. Heinlein’s Glory Road. It became my bible throughout my adolescence. Everyone has a bible, it’s just not always the same book. I might have forgotten everything else in this sci-fi novel, but that one paragraph would forever capture me.

It was an ad placed in the personals specifically for the story’s main character. His name is Evelyn Cyril Gordon. You can’t even begin to imagine how wonderful it was to read of a hero whose name is Evelyn when your name is Erwin. He would later upgrade to Oscar, and that was good for me too.

I didn’t match the ad in any way, but it didn’t matter - that was my person ad. They didn’t know it, but they were looking for me. I desperately wanted to find myself on that glory road, regardless of the danger and in spite of all the small detail t hat I was a coward. Even then I had a sense of destiny. We all do. But we don’t all do something about it.

If you’re presently a coward desperately trying to avoid any stress, unnecessary pressure or unforeseen danger, you might call it a design flaw, but we humans are most alive when we passionately pursue our dreams, live with purpose, and have a sense of destiny. Again, if you’re currently a cynic, skeptic, or pessimist, you might not appreciate the fact that as Martin Seligman points out in Learned Optimism, we thrive when we are optimistic about the future. It seems failure is no match for the person who believes in the future. When we see failure as personal, pervasive, or permanent, we become paralyzed.

Bottom line: we cannot live the life of our dreams without an irrational sense of destiny.

And all of us have dreams.
More than that, all of us need dreams.
Some of us sadly are just sleeping through them.

All of us long to become something more than we are. We are driven to achieve, moved to accomplish, fueled by ambition. It burns hotter in some than in others, but it is within all of us. We’re all searching for our unique purpose, our divine destiny, or simply a sense of significance or some measure of success. When we are optimistic about the future, we find the energy to create it.

We may disagree violently about what success is; we may even change our own minds about what makes our lives actually significant. But all of us are united in our desperate attempt to make a future for ourselves. We all desperately want to achieve something, to accomplish something; we just don’t know what. Worse than that, we don’t even understand why? Yet that doesn’t stop us from searching.

Venting

original date: March 27, 2009

so i\'m really glad to be taking this trip to Fairmont for a number of reasons. First of all, because I need a break from my family. And even though I\'m pretty much broke and I don\'t have alot of money until Wednesday next week it\'s just a relief to know that I\'ll be away from the people that I love. I had this huge fight with my mom today because she started poking into my personal life and started scolding me about my finances. I guess she feels the need to tell me that I\'m screwing up and I shouldn\'t have all this debt because I live at home and I make a decent amount of money. Which is all true but of course I had to fight back and I said, \"mom I know I\'m screwing up! i don\'t need you to tell me that I should be debt free! I know I have alot of sh*t to pay and I\'m trying hard to manage my finances better.\" I know she\'s my mom but as kids I guess we are just prone to roll our eyes at our parents and tell them that we are making my own mistakes. Which is what i told her...it just kind of frustrates me...some days i wish i could just run away and not come home and it\'s not even because my home life sucks, because it doesn\'t, but it\'s because i just wish i had more alone time. I\'ve started walking home from the bus stop instead of calling my mom to pick me up at the transit centre because i get that time to just be alone! because i know that as soon as i step foot in this house i am surrounded by my parents and siblings, my two cats, and my moms friend. so it sucks! this is part of the reason why i will be living on residence when i go to post-secondary. Second, because I need a break from work. things are remarkably better now at work but i still feel the need to get away and not have to worry about some of the jerks or a-holes that i work with...plus, things are slow at work right now. at least i know that when i get back next week i\'ll have actual WORK to catch up on. BAH! The last reason why I can\'t wait to get away from Edmonton is because this is a chance for me to re-evaluate my feelings. About alot of things... church, music, school, work, a boy. it\'s a time when i can just get away from the four walls that i sit in right now and think outside of my box and temporarily transfer into another one. See new things, experience and breathe new air. I think that\'s why I love traveling so much. It\'s an escape for my mind, body, and soul... My heart is breaking as I write this. And not because I\'m sad...but because I think that I\'m broken...and maybe before God can fix me, I need to be broken. Maybe the main reason is because I have these feelings that I don\'t want to hide but at the same time I have to hide because if I reveal them it\'ll be the end of a fantastic friendship. No, I\'m not a lesbian. (<i know! very random>) But these stupid feelings make me feel nostalgic...especially when this stupid boy I like doesn\'t even realize that I exist. It sucks big time. I want to be loved by someone other than my parents or my friends. Does that ring a bell? I want to mean more to someone. I miss having the love of a man. I don\'t miss the ex, but I definitely miss the feelings. I mean, we never really talked. Honestly, I don\'t think I ever had a meaningful conversation with him. Nothing deep. There was no deep, profound connection in our relationship. It was only an immature love and I don\'t think that it would\'ve ever matured. So missing that and liking this new guy makes me want to run to this new guys arms and just tell him that I love him. haha but maybe love isn\'t the right word...well no it isn\'t. haha. I hardly know him. But I\'m starting to get to know him and I\'m really liking what I know, so far. But he doesn\'t see me that way. Why?! Why do I always have to fall into this? Why do I always start liking someone who isn\'t interested?! It makes me mad sometimes because I think that of all the \"single-and-looking\" (wish i could italicize this) guys out there I always have to pick the ones who are interested, but never interested in me. BAH! haha Now I\'m just whining. Sorry...but anyway. That\'s what is going through my head right now as I sit here in my room with my mango colored walls my belongings all in disarray. I just thought maybe, just maybe...you cared. Thanks for reading... Hilda

cell phones and money and coldplay, oh my!

original date: March 21, 2009

Okay so here I am blogging again. I know...kind of weird. 2 days in a row!

so this afternoon i was very relieved i guess you could say. God always knows how to turn a crappy situation around. I've been a bit discouraged the past couple of days. my cell phone service was cut off because i had apparently not paid my cell phone bill for quite some time. and yeah, i honestly thought it was true because i kind of missed 2 months payments so i thought - oh crap this is my fault - well today i called my wireless provider and they checked my account and they said that they had still not received payment. I paid my cell phone bill last Friday...so I was starting to get worried. After about 15 minutes of being on the phone with the AR department we found out what the problem was. I had been paying to the wrong account. Why? Well because a couple of months ago my mom switched the account over to my name, little did i know that when the account name changed so did the account number. Since I have my Rogers account linked to my online bills on my online banking I had been paying to an inactive account. I'm surprised that they didn't catch this...but whatever. So...I had about a $480 credit on this other account. I verified with the guy the new account number and he transferred all of the payments that i had made on the other account to my account and said a cheque in the amount of $200 something would be mailed to me. So i was very relieved. Not only did I have my cell phone service back, I also have $200 to pay my taxes -

YES! That's right. I owe the government money this year. That had me pretty upset as well. I thought I'd be getting money back but turns out that last year for Jan 08 to Mar 08 I had a part time job that did not deduct any tax from my pay checks. which sucks...BUT it's like I said, God knows how to turn a crap situation around because now I have this money that I wasn't expecting to get in order to pay my taxes and then still have money to put into my savings, future shop card, visa card, and bills. So now you know why I live by faith. God always provides. I shouldn't worry so much. I have a God who cares for me.

So about 10 minutes after I cleared that situation with Rogers I got a phone call from my mom. She said "were you expecting mail? you have 2 envelopes here for you" so i asked her who they were from and she said something about "1 Blue Jays..." it was an address! I said right away "Open it! it might be Coldplay tickets and if it is I'm going to pee my pants!" so she opened the envelope and THEY WERE MY COLDPLAY TICKETS! I was sooo excited!!! I wanted to hold them in my hand.

You know, this may seem kind of weird and retarded but I really did feel joy today. God gave me joy today in things that I did not expect to hear. I didn't expect Rogers to tell me that I'd be getting a cheque mailed to me because I had overpayed, I didn't expect to receive my Coldplay tickets, and I certainly didn't expect to be so joyful on a day where I wouldn't get to spend time with friends.

God is good. Don't ever forget that.

"We live by faith, not by sight." - 2 Corinthians 5:7

Hilda

...

original date: March 20, 2009

So I realize I haven't blogged...like really blogged. haha. My last pointless entry shouldn't even be considered one.

I'm slowly learning that life throws interesting curve balls at you to test you. well God does anyway. I've recently been thinking alot about school. Which by the way is what I have decided on with God's help and guidance. September holds a new and somewhat old season for me. I will be completing my upgrading so that next fall - Sept 2010 - I can go to King's University College. See, I had originally planned on Taylor but it's unfortunate that the Uni/College there will be no more after the current semester finishes. So I had to think of where else I could go. King's was always in the back of my mind as a school that I'd like to try out. So I've decided, done my research, prayed, and I feel that God is calling me there. I also plan to live on residence - much to my mothers dismay - but I also think that it will be the best.

I've also been thinking alot about my finances. I've realized that I spend too much money on useless things, so I'm cutting back. Just like alot of people are, I'm cutting back on unnecessary expenses. If it means that for the next couple of months until I quit my job I am super strapped for cash because I'm trying to pay stuff off before I no longer have a full time job then so be it. I now realize why God kept me at a good job for this long - it was to save for school. But I didn't do that. I was dumb. But I'm doing it now and with God's help I'll be able to achieve my goals. God will provide. I've always been a woman of faith. I live on faith. Sometimes people don't understand it because we live in a society that tells us that we live in reality, and the reality of life is that we need money to survive and we need to make lots of it to live comfortably. I think that this is true, but personally, the more I trust God the more he has provided for me and my family. So this is the way I live...by faith. God is so good that He has never failed...and He never will fail. I am reminded by the words of my friend Caleb, "I will fail you". It's true. We as humans are prone to fail, but Jesus and his love and grace and mercy never fail.

Don't ever forget that. Whenever you feel like you're struggling or like Life is just not the way you had hoped it would turn out to be, may you find peace and rest in knowing that the God who is the Almighty and Everlasting Father, never fails.

Hilda

Pondering

original date: March 15, 2009

So as I ponder the events of the past week I sit here in a cafe, sipping my dark roast coffee and eating my banana bread wondering..."Have I missed something?" I'm not sure what I've learned this week. Or what God has taught me. Maybe nothing, but I find it hard to believe that I haven't learned anything when God is always teaching us if we are willing. And I am willing. When I pray I ask God to teach me because I am willing. I want to be taught and lead by the Spirit in everything that I do and say. Especially what I say. I find that most often the times when God uses me the most is when I speak. He has slowly started to help me with my actions towards people, and not just my friends but even people on the bus and in the mall and at work. But when it comes to my close friends, it seems as if I always gets these thoughts in my head - that I know come from God - and I say them.

For example, this morning I was speaking to a friend and she commented about the comfort level at two different churches. (To clarify, she didn't call them comfort levels, but that's what I'm calling it.) She said that she felt more comfortable at this one church because they liked to turn the lights in the audience way down for the service, and at this other church it seemed like the lights were always on way bright. Now, this is valid. I guess it is important how we feel when we worship God...but! and that's a big BUT...isn't worship supposed to be about God and not us? David ran through the streets naked in the Old Testament, praising God. He didn't care. So why should we? Why should we conform to a specific environment when it comes to worshipping together, whether in a church service setting or in a small group. I guess I fall short of believing even what I'm writing about right now. Sometimes I worry about, "what will my baptist church think if I raise my hands?" or "what will the people beside me think if I start praising God in the spaces in between worship sets?" I think those things. Why? Because I'm human and we grow up worrying about what people think about us or the way we look. Society tries to instill in us a "what if they think I'm weird" or "what will they think" type of attitude. It's wrong. But the only thing we can do is...conform? NO! Change it so that it fits with what God says in His word.

I challenge you, the reader, to search your heart and ask God to help you not care about what the people around you may think about you. And it doesn't matter what it is. I know for me right now, I'm asking God to help me to not care about what people think when I mention "God" or "prayer". Or even the fact that I'm going to church. It's hard. It's not easy...especially if you haven't been used to sharing stuff like that in the past - like me. But more and more I'm finding that it's becoming easier. I want people to think "Now I know why she's always radiating with joy". God's love makes me happy. God's grace is so amazing that I don't want to hide that. I want to show the world that Jesus is the only answer and that He can be that answer in anyones life. No matter what you've been through or what you're going through.

A song that has been in my mind all week is the song by Paul Baloche called "Jesus You Are".

For those who don't know the song, the chorus says:

"Jesus, You are, You are. Everything I'm not and everything that I want to be."

That's my prayer this week. That I can grab those words and believe them with all of my heart. I hope that today's entry can somehow motivate you, no matter what it is you're going through or where you find yourself today as you go about your day.

Blessings,

Hilda

Waiting

original date: March 13, 2009

He sat there motionless, looking up at the clock. 4:20 p.m. it said, the numbers getting bigger and bigger with each moment that passed. The anticipation grew every second as his palms increased with perspiration. He had no idea what to expect, or what to say. All he knew was that in ten minutes his life would never be the same again. He shifted nervously as he glanced up at the clock once more. He couldn’t believe how slow the time was passing. Why couldn’t it go faster, he thought to himself. Why couldn’t the minutes rush by like seconds? But deep down he knew he was happy to see it go by so slow.

He thought about the past 2 weeks, the laughs and jokes. The conversations about random things that most people wouldn’t even care to talk about. The amazing discoveries that he had made, the beautiful photographs he had seen, but mostly the eyes. Those eyes that grabbed his heart and didn’t let go. The eyes that were a deep blue, like the ocean in a storm. But they weren’t really blue, they were brown like dirt. But that didn’t matter to him. He was in love with those eyes. He could not wait until the moment that he would stare into those eyes, and the day those eyes would stare back at him.

4:25. Only 5 minutes had passed. He hoped she would be late, but at the same time hoped she would be early. What should I do when she arrives, he thought. Would a hug be too much? He had no idea what he would do. All he knew is that there were 5 minutes left til the moment that he had been waiting for since he started speaking to her. The anticipation of their meeting was causing him to daydream. The anticipation of their meeting was causing him to daydream. She seemed so interesting, and complex. The complexity of his words and swiftness of his thoughts made him so instantly attractive. He was inspired by her beauty, and the way that he could see himself in her. Today was the day that he had made arrangements to meet her. They would finally be able to gaze into each others eyes.

The motor of a vehicle approaching interrupted his thoughts for a moment. It stopped in front of the building, he held his breath. A young man walked out of the car. It’s not her. He went back to thinking about her lustrous hair. Her smile, the laugh he imagined she would have, but it always came back to the eyes.

Again the motor of yet another vehicle approached him. The car came to a halt. The door opened, his heart raced, his world froze. Could it be her? Could she be the one that I’m waiting for? Has my heart finally found the love that it desires?

As the door opened a black suede boot came out first, followed by a girl. It’s her, he screamed inside. She looked at him, and back at her ride. She bid farewell to the other person in the vehicle as it drove out of sight. She quickly moved towards the building, so as to get out of the chilly evening breeze. He walked outside and their eyes instantly met. The eyes he had for so long wanted to stare into were finally staring back at him. “Hey you”, came her sweet voice. “Hey”, was the response.

He felt trapped; trapped in love that is. He didn’t know what to say next. His lips were sealed shut, his tongue mysteriously dry and unable to move. “Are you going to give me a hug?” she proceeded in saying. It was as if all of his dreams had come true all at once.

Of course, he thought but didn’t say. He grabbed her in his arms and held her close. He never wanted to let go. This was his world, he knew it. Suddenly, all of the thoughts that this moment would change his life were real. He loved her, oh how he loved her. He would never love anyone ever again. And as he held her he thought to himself, I love you.

- by Hilda Lemus

Decisions, decision

original date: March 11, 2009

So once again I have decisions to make.

For the longest time I was confused as to what I wanted to be "when i grew up" and then when the growing up arrived and I had to decide, I had absolutely no idea. So i started working and then I landed a fantastic job opportunity with a Property Management company. That was October of '07. So I'm still there...but now I'm starting to finally realize the path that God wants me to take. I want to better equip myself in the field of Psychology; specifically the behavioural side of Psychology. But now here comes the tough part...I have to upgrade. Yes; for those who do not know, upgrading is for students who decided to slack off in high school, or for adults who want to go back to school. I am in the first category. High School - the school work part of it anyway - was a joke to me. I didn't do homework, i studied occasionally, and of course it showed when I graduated with passing grades. So now I'm paying for it. I recently completed the upgrading for my 12th grade English class, but now I have realized that I have to also upgrade 12th grade Math and Social Studies. It sucks big time! But I take full responsibility for that.

I'm going to meet with an advisor at MacEwan next week to talk to them about the upgrading options I have. Should I repeat the courses that I want to upgrade or should I take a college equivalent? We'll see what they say.

But here is where the dilemma comes in.

The company that I work with has recently released yet another Employee Incentive program to promote "global community" within the organization. I have the opportunity to choose from about 6 or 7 different countries to volunteer in for 2 weeks. All expenses paid, 2 weeks paid off of work to go volunteer and serve in a country. The process is that I need to apply with my company and then wait until June 1, 2009 to find out if I have been accepted as one of the few who will have the opportunity to go somewhere and serve. I haven't applied yet, even though I would love to go to work at an orphanage in Argentina, due in large part to the timeline of all of this. If I got notification that I was accepted in June, I would then have to apply with Projects Abroad and wait for them to accept me. Who knows how long this process could take?! So I emailed Projects Abroad and told them the dilemma that I have. I have yet to hear back.

See it wouldn't be such an issue if I wasn't already planning to go back to school on a full-time/part-time basis this fall. So I'm waiting and praying because I know that if the waiting process to actually go and serve could take up to 6 months then I know that is too long and I know that this is an opportunity that I will just have to let go of. Which is unfortunate but I mean...God is in control right? I feel like God is urging me to go back to school. I hear him telling me that he will help me get through the stress that writing research papers and studying for finals and midterms brings. I know it in my heart...but volunteering abroad is such an amazing experience...especially knowing that I don't have to pay anything. Of course I have not been accepted yet so I am only assuming all of this if I were accepted.

This is what is on my mind right now. These two opportunities that have risen. I know right now I'm leaning more towards just forgetting the whole Projects Abroad thing and sticking to my plan of going to school in the fall and hopefully getting into a University or College in September 2010. That is what I truly believe God is telling me...this volunteer thing may just be yet another test from God.

I hope that I can be in your prayers somehow...among the other things that I'm sure you are all praying for continually.

My prayer list for this week so far is:
clarity of heart and mind, my friend(s) who are kind of missing how amazing Jesus is and forgetting that they are not doing life alone if they have Jesus.

Please help me pray. Thank you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:6

Hilda

Coldplay!

original date: March 10, 2009

So today around 2:30ish I found out that my all time favorite band, Coldplay, is coming to my city!!! You have no idea how happy this makes me! I have been waiting for this moment for a while now! They had a concert scheduled for last July but they cancelled and I was DEVASTATED!! So to be able to finally see them this June is going to be a dream come true! I actually cried a little bit when I found out!!!

Tickets go on sale to the general public on Saturday but because of God's grace I have the password for the presale tickets, so I will get to purchase tickets on Friday at 10 AM! Wish me luck as I race to find GREAT SEATS at a DECENT PRICE! I guess ticket prices range from $49.50 - $97.50 so I guess we'll have to see how much my tickets cost!

So excited!!!

Hilda

Reflecting Jesus

original date: March 8, 2009

So Thursday I saw something that kind of made me think, "How can I reflect Jesus?" I won't mention what it was because I don't want to potentially offend the person just in case they decide to read this.

So I woke up Friday morning thinking, "God how can I reflect you and your love in my life?"

How can I show people that I'm not just Hilda, that there is something different about me and that that something is Jesus? I'm challenged to look at the way that I speak, act or react, and especially the way that I view others. I had a very good conversation with Andrea yesterday. We were talking about a friend who people seem to be annoyed by and then the people who are annoyed most by this person are the ones who say that they want to be more like Jesus and that we need to love people. How are you loving this particular person if you are pretty much avoiding that person because they are annoying?

It just frustrates me sometimes because Jesus didn't care who wanted to talk to him. Jesus loved everyone regardless of age, color, gender, awkwardness, sexual sins, etc. He loved everyone the same. I just think that sometimes people focus so much on trying to be like Jesus that they forget what the characteristics of Jesus were. They say "well Jesus loved people" so they go to Hope Mission or places of the sort and "love" people but then they forget about the others that they are called to love. Especially the ones who they talk to and fellowship with and the ones who they gather with on Sundays and in bible studies.

This is definitely something that has bugged me in the past and it was for reasons like these that I was bitter towards the church...but now it's different. Thinking this way has actually challenged me to not do what others do. I want to love ALL people. Even the ones at work that are difficult to love. Even my brother who is difficult to love. My sister who can sometimes be difficult to love. I want to love not because I have to but because Jesus first loved.

Tonight I'm going to see a movie called "Fireproof". I have a feeling that it will definitely talk alot about love. So just stay tuned for my blog on that and maybe I'll be able to relate it back somehow to what I've been thinking about lately.

Hilda

Sole Provider, Sole Comforter

original date: March 6, 2009

so lately i have been thinking alot. i always think alot but seems to be alot more lately. i've learned alot this year. i have learned to place my trust in God and he will take control of any situation i'm going through. i haven't been stressed in a while and it feels good. everytime i think that i'm going to get upset or stressed out about something i think, "God...take control. give me patience. i need you to help me relax!" more often i find myself asking God this...and it's not like things have just gotten harder. no, i just realize more and more now that i need Jesus. and he wants me to need him and acknowledge that.

This year started off with small tests of patience. Not only at work but also with friends and at home. at first it was so hard! you have no idea how hard it was. i have a hard time trusting. and not all of the time but in the past i hadn't been able to grasp the concept of trusting a God I couldn't see. I mean, i did trust God...but i didn't really trust God, you know? and then God started sending me word of his undying love and his grace through friends. One verse that will forever stick with me is "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Maria said that one to me one day when i had mentioned on my status that i worry too much sometimes. and from the very moment that i read it, it's like God grabbed a hold of me and whispered it in my ear. it was such a blessing to my life to hear that. And more and more i see that happen. I see God use my friends to speak words of life and renewal into my life. God is so good and some days i get really nostalgic just thinking about how amazing he is and how unworthy i am. I am not worthy of his love, or his grace, or even his mercy. I have screwed up alot in life. like ALOT! i mean i've never done drugs or anything...but i've had a huge internal struggle with staying pure in the past; especially with my last relationship. and i am still healing from that. it wasn't like my ex cheated on me - well, does going for coffee with an old fling mean he cheated? - i just felt God tugging at my heart and telling me that he wanted so much more for me. the reason why i stayed in that relationship so long was because it was the first MAJOR one i had ever had, and it felt so good to have someone other than your parents loving you. but, i wasn't happy. in fact, for the last year of that relationship i found myself becoming more and more unhappy with myself. i wasn't a pleasant person to be around...well if you ask my family anyway, that's what they will say. so finally i said...God, i'm not happy. what do i do? and he said, get out. So I did. and even though it broke my heart to leave someone who was so amazing - and yet boring - very soon i knew what God was up to.

God wanted me to come back to him. I was like the prodigal son for a while. even though I was doing the whole "church" thing, i wasn't doing the God thing. I was going with the motions of going to church on occasional sundays and playing on other sundays but I wasn't giving all that I was to God. God is an all or nothing God. I've learned that. And I knew that before but now I actually know it!

"Come to me, all who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

That was my devotional this morning. I am trying to go through a devotional book called "Grace for the Moment" by Max Lucado. Let me show you what my devotional said.

As long as Jesus is one of many options, he is no option. As long as you can carry your burdens alone, you don't need a burden bearer. As long as your situation brings you no grief, you will receive no comfort. And as long as you can take him or leave him, you might as well leave him, because he won't be taken half-heartedly. But when you mourn, when you get to that point of sorrow for your sins, when you admit that you have no other option but to cast all your cares on him, and when there is truly no other name that you can call, then cast all your cares on him, for he is waiting in the midst of the storm.

How amazing is that? God wants all that I am. He wants my heart, my mind, my hands, my feet. And he wants to use all of me for his glory.

I want to be used for God's glory. Not for my own. Recognition is nothing if it isn't for Jesus. I'm starting to fall in love with my Saviour. I'm beginning to realize that this life that I am living is the way it is right now because of his unfailing love and his amazing grace.

I think something that a friend of mine said last week to me has alot of truth. He said, "It is often when we face opposing forces that we grow the most."

"God, let me be a sanctuary for you. Let my praise rise to you and only you. Be the Lord of my life and my mind. Help me grow and never stop growing. Help me to love you more and more. Your grace and your love overwhelm my heart and I am Yours forever. Amen."

Hello

Hello! I'm Hilda and I've decided to start an online blog. But that's only partially true because I used to have a wordpress and now i'm switching over to blogspot because a lot of people i know have them. haha

In the weeks to come you'll read about my journey with God because right now that is what is most important to me, and I want to share that with the world and hopefully be an encouragement to someone's life, just like people have been an encouragement to me.

I'm transferring all of my past blogs to this site so if a lot of them have the same date you know why. but i will put the original date in the blog.

I leave you with this: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Don't ever forget that the Lord of all creation wants you to put all of your trust in Him. He is the ultimate everything - God is good all the time.

Hilda